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I’m a wee bit tired, and a wee bit grumpy. And when I say a wee bit, I might mean a lot.
It’s just one of those seasons where everything is happening all at once, and my energies are depleting and it’s starting to feel fruitless — all of it. The effort and the time and the energy being poured in…to everything, really…is starting to feel pointless.
The recent days have felt like one big WHY. BOTHER.
I despise being in this place — this place where it’s so easy to cave into negativity and frustration; where it’s so convenient to wash my hands of it all and walk away. I hate it because it’s the antithesis of who I want to be, and yet when I’m in the middle of this place, it feels so stinkin’ good to be here. Justifying my frustration always feels good on the surface.
Just. so. good.
But then the sun comes out and it’s tomorrow and the fact I’ve wasted time in the negativity pit is even more frustrating.
I feel stuck in a lose-lose tug-of-war, and it can just suck, if I’m perfectly honest.
And maybe that’s the point.
Maybe this pursuit of being isn’t just a pursuit of contentment and stillness and knowing God. Maybe this pursuit of being is also a pursuit of knowing myself more deeply in light of knowing who He is. Maybe it’s a pursuit of being authentic and admitting I’m not yet who I want to be; and maybe that requires I throw grace around like confetti and force myself to dance in it, even if I don’t feel like it. (tweet)
I can’t leave out this part of being — the acknowledgement that being is a process. That the journey is just as much the call as the call itself, and some days it will be harder than others and that no day will be perfect. (tweet)
No, every day won’t be perfect, but it needs to be present. Present in the moment, being honest with God and with myself. And being present IN God, relying on His strength when I’m tired and frustrated and shouting WHY. BOTHER. from the top of my lungs.
And being present enough to know that sometimes, if you’re a wee bit tired and a wee bit grumpy, you need to just withdraw, sink in and BE STILL for just a few stolen minutes.