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She was disappointed in my response, I know she was.
I’m not sure what disappointed her more — my impatience, my snarkiness or my selfishness. It was one of Those days — the kind where you wake up just wrong and nothing gets set right. Running from one thing to another with no time to pause. (Correct that — not taking time to pause.) Not focusing on where I am, just focused on what’s coming next and where I’m going.
Running, right out of the gate. Without even a stretch to warm up. And as I run — breathless and labored, from one thing to the next — I leave a wake of disappointment behind me. For her and for me and for everyone else behind me.
She watched me all day, without intervening. And when I’d sit in my pool of shame after a burst of impatience or snarkiness or selfishness, she was there — just holding out her hand.
And she whispered softly,
This isn’t who you want to be.
I know! I cried in response, completely exasperated.
Then choose not to be her.
I sigh an incredibly loud and obnoxious sigh. Is it really that easy? I mean, honestly, the pity party just feels good sometimes. Responding in a way that lets people know you’re unhappy can be gratifying, in that it-lasts-only-a-nanosecond-and-then-you-feel-worse kind of way.
You can choose not to be her. It’s up to you.
I sigh again, but it’s softer this time. I know all this — I know it in my head and my stubborn heart just refuses to catch up.
Or maybe, I don’t give it a chance to.
I review the events of the day and replace me in the flashbacks with her. I replay how each exchange would have gone with responses fueled by grace, love and selflessness. How her graciousness would have been a more memorable example to my kids. How her example would have reflected Christ, not a self-crazed lunatic.
When I see her in those replays, I know being like her is possible. Because she is me — just a better, more Christ-filled, still and content me. A me that has first made time to BE so that I can know HIM before I DO a single thing.
I’m not seeking perfection. I know that’s not possible, plausible or attainable. But I’m seeking better. (tweet) I’m seeking abundant, confident and content. I’m seeking a day filled with responses that happen after a pause and a remembrance of who HE is in order that I might demonstrate Christ to my husband, my kids, my co-workers, my friends.
You can choose to be her.
I sigh for the last time. It’s a soft exhale…not born of frustration but out of relaxation. It’s a sigh that comes from the release of control and the sinking down into the comfort of the Comforter…being still…and knowing.