“For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him.” (Colossians 1:16)
I’ve had a really emotional weekend. Not because of any one thing that happened; I think my body is trying to figure out what “normal” is again, and my emotions are all over the place. I’ve bounced back and forth between irritated, sad, grouchy, disappointed and frustrated. Poor Greg has stepped back and let me be, and praise God I have a husband who is patient enough to give me the space I need when I need it.
I had the D & C for the miscarriage almost 3 weeks ago, and physically I have felt perfectly fine since the day I left the hospital. But in the last 3 days, I think my body is catching up to the “oh wait, we’re not pregnant anymore” and working overtime to get back into some regular rhythm. I have a feeling this is normal — but neither Greg nor I expected it, so we’re both taken a bit off guard by my unstable mental state.
Sitting in church today, I saw a mom with her new little baby, and an unexpected rush of sadness fell on me. After service, a friend and I talked and she expressed her sorrow over the news, and shared her experience with miscarriage as well. I ended up crying in the lobby, so surprised by the grief that I felt in that moment, yet grateful a sister was there who understood exactly what I was going through, and had exactly the right words to say.
I have a lot I want to say about my experience in this past month — about the lessons I’ve learned, what God has shown me, and the blessings that have come forth. Yet every time I sit and try to write about it, I can’t. Everything is jumbled in my head and I can’t get it out. But I can say this:
Perhaps the most meaningful thing during this time has been what I’ve learned about my trust in God. Only when you face storms do you realize how you really feel about His sovereignty and will. I haven’t for one single second questioned why this has happened, gotten angry or wanted to give up. I know that would be okay to feel that way — I know God can handle it –but I’m so grateful I haven’t. I have been blessed to see that even still, even now, my faith and utter trust in His will, His timing and His ways have only increased. It has blessed me to know I still trust Him as I did before — and even more so.
As I read this verse in John today, I was reminded that although our baby was only 10 weeks old in utero, without Jesus, nothing was made that was made. That our child was created by him and for him — and maybe only for that reason…maybe only for him, praise God. Visible or invisible, our baby was not an accident, that it was created through Jesus Christ.
I take great comfort in the timing of God’s Word, in the fact that this verse, written around 85 AD, is as applicable to me today as it was to John then. Our child was God’s child first, and I guess God was just wanted it in heaven more than he wanted it with us.
“The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” (Job 1:21)