Five Minute Friday #11

Linking up with The Gypsy Mama:

“On Fridays over here a group of people who love to throw caution to the wind and just write gather to share what five minutes buys them. Just five minutes. Unscripted. Unedited. Real. Your words. This shared feast.”

Today’s topic: IDENTITY

GO.

I struggled when she was born. Not because I didn’t want to be a mother, and certainly not because I didn’t love her. But because everything happened at once. In one 12-month span, I became a wife, was in ministry and then a mom. And suddenly, I didn’t know who I was anymore outside of those three things. I didn’t know what I liked. I didn’t know what I was good at. I didn’t know what I wanted for myself. When people would ask, “If time and money were no object, what would you want to do?”, I wanted to close my eyes, cover my ears and scream,

“I have no idea!!!”

I felt as though I was wearing hats, juggling balls and filling roles — but the core of me was unknown. In this new context of wifehood, ministry and motherhood, I got lost.

And I was desperate to be found.

Everyone meant well, especially my husband. Reassuring me that the roles I filled each day indeed made me who I was. And I would nod, and say, “yes, you’re right.” But I didn’t believe that was all. There was something missing. I felt it daily — huge hole needing to be filled, that would bring all the hats and balls and roles together and make it all fit. And make a better wife and mom. And bring joy and life abundant.

It wasn’t that being a wife and mother wasn’t enough. Not at all. It was just my soul was aching for something I couldn’t identify yet. It was a divine longing.

I used to wonder if Jesus — those 30 years he was simply a son and carpenter and brother — felt the same way. That His life was all well and good, but knowing in His core, in His spirit and His soul, that there was more. Waiting for the one thing that made it all fit. I wonder if He was desperate to be found.

And then His ministry began. And instead, He found us.

I’m slowly discovering the me God created. I’m rediscovering the things that bring me joy and satisfaction as Monica, outside of what hat I’m wearing. Dreams from long ago are resurfacing and whispering, “I was here for a reason. I haven’t died. Don’t forget about me. Don’t let me go.”

It will be a continual process, I’ll always be “…ing” — in the process of — growing, learning, changing and being. I’ll always be finding, but always remain found.

STOP.

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8 thoughts on “Five Minute Friday #11

  1. I receive this daily email prayer/blessing/Word, and this was today’s. Such a confirmation after this Five Minute Friday…isn’t God good?? :)

    “You are currently in a time of rediscovery and recovery of things that have been lost to you, things that you once possessed either mentally, emotionally, physically or spiritually. You will have a sense of freedom that is beyond words to describe and will come from the very core of your being. This is a subtle work of My Spirit, says the Lord. Luke 4:18-19 “‘The Spirit of the LORD is upon me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed; to proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD.'”

    Amen and be blessed!

  2. I think as women, we often feel like we don’t know who we are because our roles have changed so much over the last 50 or so years. We went from being a housewife and mother to wanting to be in the workforce, and now we’re told we can have it all! It can be daunting and sometimes overwhelming.

    In your case, you made a lot of changes in a short period of time, and I can definitely see why you were left not sure who you are.

    Remember that you are a a Daughter of the King. That’s the one that matters most. Your Father help you become the woman you are meant to be.
    <3

  3. As a young mother I could relate to you but the more I grow, the more I know my identity must be in Christ, or yes, I do lose myself. I’ve also discovered that wearing all these hats, wife, mom, teacher, grandma, sunday school teacher, women’s ministry leader, mean nothing at all if I don’t know who I am in HIM first. What a learning process. You are on your way and that is so awesome :)

  4. I couldn’t agree more – with the being pleased with the mommy, wife hat/role, yet somehow lost as to what you want to make you you. And I agree that discovering that part is a process. Once we decide it is a process it gets better. Thanks for linking up!

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