Dear God,

I’m trying. I’m focusing on what you’ve given me to do today and I’m pushing IT away to the darkest and dankest recesses of my limited brain but it creeps to the forefront even when I least expect it. It’s just so hard.

So hard.

Because I see her over there and I see her on the other side and what about that one? They all are too. And I know what you’ve called me to because you’ve told me and you’ve confirmed it through other people and I’ve even gotten the flashing neon sign I waited six years for…directly from those heavens to these eyes that are too limited to really see.

“If I want this one to wait until I come, what is that to you? You follow Me.”

I know! I know, I know, I know. But just as things were gaining momentum and heading somewhere, a brick wall mysteriously appeared that I still can’t see it and everything just. stopped. You haven’t said no but you haven’t said yes and it’s a purgatory of waiting where they’re playing limbo but I’m too tall and not flexible enough to bend under the bar.

And I don’t like party games, you know that.

Sometimes you’re just not about closure and I’m just asking for a no or give me a yes. But you are the best at locking your holy lips and throwing away the key. And I equal parts love you for it and want to throw something at you for it.

“I don’t think the way you think. The way you work isn’t the way I work.”

So how do I turn off my brain so that I just finally stop thinking about IT?  When there’s no closure and no answers and movement on IT just stops dead in its tracks and I can’t make it move — no matter how hard I try. What is the process for being okay with that?

I begin to put the focus on myself — did I pray enough? Was I too lazy? Because I know you always works in conjunction with our partnership, did I do enough on my end? What else…what else…what else can I do?

You’re right (of course, because you always are). It’s just like all those other times you were so quiet and didn’t answer and then in your time you brought forth the answer in a way so much better and beyond what I would have expected.

Like the time that one apartment didn’t come through and I was so disappointed and yes I trusted you would provide something better but it didn’t take away the disappointment. And then you led me to The Better Place and that sweet little nest became our sanctuary.

You and me alone together taking on the world. I miss that from time to time…the luxury of having all the uninterrupted time together we wanted. That gift was the foundation of everything for me. You knew that would happen, didn’t you?

And when I was desperate to work in ministry and talked to everyone I could and met with anyone that would stop their day to talk with this 20-something girl who sought answers they couldn’t provide. Never in a million years thought you’d yoke me up with a pastor. Never ever ever.

“Watch closely: I am preparing something new; it’s happening now, even as I speak.”

And when all my prayers focused around that guy and I was convinced he was the one and I remember the day that broke. I just woke up and it was over and I felt so free. I had been so consumed and placed all my value and hope in a flawed creature and when I finally could see I knew you had plans for me beyond what my limited vision would allow.

And the day Greg came along changed everything. I still sit in awe that you knew so what not just what I wanted but what I needed.

BUT what I needed.

BUT.

It’s always the BUT. You speak your word and it will never return void, not ever. And we hear you speak your words but we naturally attach it to IT when it has nothing to do with IT at all. Because it will do what you wanted and accomplish what you determine.

David said, “From the ends of the earth, I call to you when I begin to lose heart. Lead me to the rock that is high above me.”

I’m losing heart and I know you hear me because you always do. Help me see. Like all those times before when you changed my sight and changed my heart, lead me to the rock that is higher than I am.

I’m tired of being here. I’d rather be there — seeing what you want me to see — than anywhere at all. Even more than having IT. (<= tweet that)

“From the beginning I declare how things will end; from times long past, I tell what is yet to be, saying: ‘My intentions will come to pass. I will make things happen as I determine they should.'” (Isaiah 46:10)

“But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind.” (Isaiah 40:31)

Amen.