Dear God,

I’m trying. I’m focusing on what you’ve given me to do today and I’m pushing IT away to the darkest and dankest recesses of my limited brain but it creeps to the forefront even when I least expect it. It’s just so hard.

So hard.

Because I see her over there and I see her on the other side and what about that one? They all are too. And I know what you’ve called me to because you’ve told me and you’ve confirmed it through other people and I’ve even gotten the flashing neon sign I waited six years for…directly from those heavens to these eyes that are too limited to really see.

“If I want this one to wait until I come, what is that to you? You follow Me.”

I know! I know, I know, I know. But just as things were gaining momentum and heading somewhere, a brick wall mysteriously appeared that I still can’t see it and everything just. stopped. You haven’t said no but you haven’t said yes and it’s a purgatory of waiting where they’re playing limbo but I’m too tall and not flexible enough to bend under the bar.

And I don’t like party games, you know that.

Sometimes you’re just not about closure and I’m just asking for a no or give me a yes. But you are the best at locking your holy lips and throwing away the key. And I equal parts love you for it and want to throw something at you for it.

“I don’t think the way you think. The way you work isn’t the way I work.”

So how do I turn off my brain so that I just finally stop thinking about IT?  When there’s no closure and no answers and movement on IT just stops dead in its tracks and I can’t make it move — no matter how hard I try. What is the process for being okay with that?

I begin to put the focus on myself — did I pray enough? Was I too lazy? Because I know you always works in conjunction with our partnership, did I do enough on my end? What else…what else…what else can I do?

ISAIAH 55-11-01

You’re right (of course, because you always are). It’s just like all those other times you were so quiet and didn’t answer and then in your time you brought forth the answer in a way so much better and beyond what I would have expected.

Like the time that one apartment didn’t come through and I was so disappointed and yes I trusted you would provide something better but it didn’t take away the disappointment. And then you led me to The Better Place and that sweet little nest became our sanctuary.

You and me alone together taking on the world. I miss that from time to time…the luxury of having all the uninterrupted time together we wanted. That gift was the foundation of everything for me. You knew that would happen, didn’t you?

And when I was desperate to work in ministry and talked to everyone I could and met with anyone that would stop their day to talk with this 20-something girl who sought answers they couldn’t provide. Never in a million years thought you’d yoke me up with a pastor. Never ever ever.

“Watch closely: I am preparing something new; it’s happening now, even as I speak.”

And when all my prayers focused around that guy and I was convinced he was the one and I remember the day that broke. I just woke up and it was over and I felt so free. I had been so consumed and placed all my value and hope in a flawed creature and when I finally could see I knew you had plans for me beyond what my limited vision would allow.

And the day Greg came along changed everything. I still sit in awe that you knew so what not just what I wanted but what I needed.

BUT what I needed.


It’s always the BUT. You speak your word and it will never return void, not ever. And we hear you speak your words but we naturally attach it to IT when it has nothing to do with IT at all. Because it will do what you wanted and accomplish what you determine.

David said, “From the ends of the earth, I call to you when I begin to lose heart. Lead me to the rock that is high above me.”

I’m losing heart and I know you hear me because you always do. Help me see. Like all those times before when you changed my sight and changed my heart, lead me to the rock that is higher than I am.

I’m tired of being here. I’d rather be there — seeing what you want me to see than anywhere at all. Even more than having IT. (<= tweet that)

“From the beginning I declare how things will end; from times long past, I tell what is yet to be, saying: ‘My intentions will come to pass. I will make things happen as I determine they should.'” (Isaiah 46:10)

“But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind.” (Isaiah 40:31)




There’s healing in the silence. Did you know that?

We sat in the living room, soaking in God’s presence in total quiet. It was thick and comforting and enveloped me in a cloak of security. It was peaceful and restful and I took several very deep breaths, exhaling the stress and inhaling the scent of the fresh cut green pastures He lay me in.

And the marquee in my brain began to scroll

There’s healing in the silence…there’s healing in the silence…there’s healing in the silence.

And I thought about how we are to be still to know, and when we are silent, the knowing of God appears. And how our knowing of Him is healing because He is Jehovah Rapha and once we know that, there is healing in our mind and our body and our spirit and our soul.

But I also thought about when God is silent…those times when we’re sure He’s walked away and forgotten us, how He really is there. And how sometimes His silence is a time of the deepest healing of all.

I was thinking about something else, too. About how I have been waiting on God and expecting Him to provide an answer for me in a specific way, and it hasn’t happened. And I didn’t think there was any correlation between healing in The Silence and The Waiting.

As we each took turns talking about what God was saying to us at this time in our lives, I didn’t think I had anything beyond there’s healing in the silence. But as each took their turn, I suddenly had an epiphany. There is a specific purpose that lies between The Silence and The Knowing and I just hadn’t realized it until that one, unexpected moment.

I had been waiting on a sign — the handwriting on the wall and the voice that pierced through the blurry haze. But in the process of waiting for that which hasn’t come, what showed up instead was The Knowing. It’s become clear and solid and sure. I know now. Really know. My doubts are healing and the fears are healing and the uncertainties are healing. I don’t need the sign or handwriting or voice. Because in the silence, He healed me and now I know.

And He reminds me once again that the journey is just as much the call as the call itself. And that He’s much more concerned with who I become than what I get. And as I waited in what appeared to be silence, He was really speaking clearly and loudly and assuredly. I just couldn’t see it until now.

And I wouldn’t have known it unless God made me wait. In the silence. Where there is healing.

Does God have you in The Silence, too?

There is healing there — in The Waiting, where you feel blurry and gray and invisible. The healing comes — it may not look like what you’re expecting, but it comes. Keep your eyes open for it and trust Him in it. He might just be bringing your deepest healing of all.