490 Planks

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I did it again.

I took my eyes off the mountain for just a minute and the pull of the valley brought me back low. The chaotic drama woke up a mama bear from hibernation, and though the situation had nothing to do with me at all, I threw my sword on the ground and was ready to fall on it with a mighty vengeance.

My heart lashed out and rehearsed a thousand scenarios of what I would say and how I would respond and countless minutes — maybe even hours — were spent in conversations that would never actually take place.

Time I should have spent praying was instead invested in scouring the Bible for verses that would provide justification to my cause…confirmation that my anger was righteous and “godly.”

In my frantic, passive-aggressive search for verses to ambiguously confront, I found The Verse. But it turned out it wasn’t a verse that applied to the situation…

…it was instead a verse God applied to me:

Don’t think you can decide on your own what is right and what is wrong. Respect the Eternal; turn and run from evil. (Prov 3:7)

#ouch

My head hung low in resignation as the conviction stung deep in my heart.

Am I ever going to get it right the first time?

Don’t ignore the wooden plank in your eye, while you criticize the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eyelashes. (Matt 7:4)

“But God,” I pleaded, “My frustration and disappointment are justified! True injustice happened. It’s not fair!” (I might have clenched my fists and stomped my feet, too…I can’t be sure.)

You must forgive not seven times, but seventy times seven. (Matt 18:22)

I despise this answer. I know in the depths of my heart it’s true, but still I fight it. I want restitution, I want payback. I want to shout and maybe even wield a pitchfork. Maybe.

When will I learn? When will I learn that God holds me just as accountable for my reactions as He holds those who were wrong? That I do not have permission to turn around and engage in the same behavior?

Growing in God is JUST SO HARD.

#whine

This little exchange with God happened just hours after prepping for an upcoming talk about climbing your mountain to gain clearer perspective…climbing in order to be transformed…to be closer to Jesus.

So He gently began reminding me of everything I had passionately rehearsed earlier…

  • That in the valley difficulties seem larger than life and insurmountable
  • That we have to get to the mountain to gain godly and holy perspective
  • That when we get proper perspective, we see that nothing in the valley is bigger or badder or tougher than God is

My head hung low in humility as repentance oozed from my heart.

And then I heaved a big sigh and started climbing my mountain.

I call to You from the end of the earth when my heart is weak. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. (Psalm 61:2)

Getting to the top was everything I needed.

From the Rock, I can see past the immediacy of a frustrating situation.

From the Rock, I can see how these million little angry dots soften and melt into an entire glorious canvas, painted by a Master.

From the Rock, the shenanigans in the valley fall into the correct order of priority — under God.

From the Rock, I’m more concerned with getting 490 planks out of my eyes so I can enjoy the breathtaking view at the top. (click to tweet that)

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I’m so thankful that God loves me too much to let me remain stuck in a mentally destructive valley. I’m so grateful for His gentle reminders to look up and to see life through holy lenses and proper perspective.

And I’m so thrilled He doesn’t hold the planks in my own eyes against me…forgiving me much, much more than seventy times seven…every single time.

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Being Merciful

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It was a random Friday night during my late 20s, driving my little navy blue Nissan Sentra with manual locks and windows and pop-on hub caps. I was on my way home from some shindig or another, just me in the car…listening to the radio, singing along and mind racing and just wanting to be home already.

It must have been a song on the radio from the radio station playing Friday Night 80s that triggered All The Thoughts. The thoughts of stupid, reckless, crazy things I had done in high school. Which morphed into the stupider, more reckless and crazier things I did in college. Which morphed into the straight up asinine things I did as a young adult.

All The Thoughts suddenly flashed across my mind like a rapid-fire slide show — in that dreamlike technicolor-slash-Polaroid transfer imagery — and as I began to relive each moment, and the possible outcomes of every single moment, I felt God whisper,

I was there. 

And I began pouring shame all over myself. Shame and guilt because of All The Sin, but then shock and bewilderment took over as I realized every single gentle outcome. With each passing scenario playing out in the movie in my mind, awe and wonder overcame me at how nothing that should have happened to me happened. How in every single instance the outcome should have been painful, or dire, or deadly —  yet instead suddenly ceased, was non-existent, finished.

Click over here to keep reading — I’m sharing the story Be Still Be Free today

In this week’s podcast, we explore what it means to BE MERCIFUL, not show acts of mercy without possessing mercy in our hearts.

Have an incredibly merciful week. I love you.