I’ve come back here, to this place, many times over the past few weeks. And I’ve sat and stared at a blank screen and felt a complete range of emotions. Exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated, bored, lonely, fruitless.
I thought my little break was a chance to take a breather from the chaos of the striving and unwind a bit. To cocoon, if you will…give myself place to regenerate.
And then, one fine morning as I savored my coffee, my husband said I needed to get over it.
Get over what?
The feeling that it’s not worth it, not worth doing. Not worth writing.
His words pierced a place I didn’t even know I was masking.
And the tears that projectile’d forth across the ottoman were proof that what started as a valid little break might have morphed into a foundation upon which I built a wall to hide behind.
Because the truth is, I haven’t felt like it’s been worth the effort. In most areas of my life, it feels like my efforts have brought forth so very little results. And so, like most times in my past, I gave up and ran away. I ran away from my own desires and heart and pathway to God.
Does anyone else do that too?
It’s funny, though, how God doesn’t let you quit though, even when you want to. How His whispers and inklings and nudges and prods interrupt your previously scheduled apathy and stir something inside of you.
– Like when your husband tells you to get over it and expects to see you have written something. Soon.
– Or a friend you haven’t met in person feels prompted to email you and conveys how much your writing has ministered to her and her Bible Study, and to be encouraged.
– Or another friend you haven’t meant in person prays for you and physically mails you a card with, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).
And in three fell swoops, the quietly-erected wall crumbles and into a heap and the truth shines brightly despite tear-stained vision.
How can I not believe He is for me??
I’ve allowed the results to determine my success, not the process. And oh, the lies we believe when we focus only on the results! God doesn’t care about the butterfly flying as much as He cares about the transformation that takes it from a crawler to a flyer. And what charges Him about us is not the end result, but the transformation that takes us from dead to alive.
Because the reality is, results will happen eventually, anyway. Just His way. His timing. And…His definition of success.
It’s taken me the past few months and this process of trying and failing and cocooning to realize that my heart’s true desire is for the process. It’s the continual being in the process of that brings me closer to Him, more connected to Him, dependent on Him. And it’s been necessary for me to go through this quiet process — not so God knows where my heart is, but so that I can know it for myself.
So I’m committed to not quitting. To getting up and dusting myself off and coming out of hiding. To walking through another process with Him.
Oh, and writing again.
What about you? Do you need to get up and come out of hiding, too? I am committed to being the friend you’ve never met who will cheer you on and hold you up when you need it most. And I am believing in your transformation, wholeheartedly.
Here’s to flying freely, my friend.
We have your Class Ring, aka Tribute Halo, on our Anniversary Page :)
Praise God! I’m so glad he its faithful to give us what we need when we need it!
We take delight and selfishly enjoy you being back in the process. I get you needed a break but its so great to have you back. Love this and all of your musings. Let Him continually flow through you and onto “paper”. Love you and are inspired by you… to create, live and be a better person all around.
Hope I didn’t ramble too much. Leaving the real writing to you girl.
I take great delight in YOU. Miss being in the same town as you. :(
You have been missed and I love this. Sometimes we need encouragement. I am so happy you are committed to not quitting. You are amazing. You are worthy. You have said what I think many of us are feeling!!!
Thank you so much for your encouragement!! Means the world to me. ;)
How is it that you always make me cry first thing in the morning! So proud and inspired and moved and happy for you dear friend!
I just had a moment. After I finished reading your beautiful post, I clicked over to facebook and saw this quote right in the middle of my news feed >> “We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” -Maya Angelou. Glad you’re back, my friend.
Tanya, I LOVE this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Girl!!! I’m am so STINKIN” delighted that God led you back to us. Here. Now. This process is so much more beautiful together, isn’t it? Once again, your perspective blows me away. This, right here? “It’s the continual being in the process of that brings me closer to Him, more connected to Him, dependent on Him. ” Amen and Amen.
Good word! It’s hard for me to come out my recent cocoon. I had quite an identity of myself in my mind as a crawler. The ground seemed safe or at least familiar. God is telling me it’s almost time to come out of the cocoon, and it’s a bit scary. So, it’s helpful for me to watch other butterflies be faithful and fly, so I can see that God makes all things beautiful in His time. Thanks Monica for choosing today to be the butterfly. There are lots of other cocoons out there, and crawlers etc. Folks watch and then are faced with their own God moments. Glad you are being faithful.
Love it! You go GIRL!
Sent from my iPad
I wanted to quit my masters program so badly lately. I’ve wanted to quit church because I don’t feel like I fit in and feel alone. Then Randy told me to name my dream. When the dream is so fuzzy and hazy that it has no form that is really hard.
So it is Project Sarah Elizabeth. Pure/Happy + Oath of God/God is Satisfaction
Amen sweet sister! I am glad you are back. I completely get it. Love what you shared and how He is faithful!