In the Quiet

DANDELION SEED-2

I’m in a weird place that I don’t know how to articulate, and I don’t have a clue where this post is going. So I’m going “old school” and just writing…writing to see if I can figure out what the message is in the process.

God and I used to write like that together a lot — I’d wrestle with something I couldn’t identify, and I’d finally feel ready to figure it out and I’d sit and write. And through the process of writing, I’d have my “eureka” moment and God would respond and I’d cry, and then the peace would flow all over me.

I miss those days.

I miss those days of writing for pure personal joy and contemplation…writing as a way to solve the riddle, finish the prayer, propose the question. It never started out as platform-building, or followership-growing or subscriber-list-gaining. It was always a method — a discipline that helped me draw in to God and closer to His truth and this method — this discipline, this process — was the cup of His hand. It’s where I always was and wanted to be.

And slowly over the last year or so, I’ve scooted up out of the center of His hand and onto the edge. And the process became a chore, and the end result became more important than the means, and I really miss the means.

Oh, how I miss the means.

In the past few weeks since I heard the no from the publisher, I’ve been in this place I haven’t been in a while. It’s a good place — a great place, actually — but it’s been different for me. I suddenly don’t feel like I have a whole lot to say. Or I do, but I’d rather keep it to myself…or chew on it more before just banging out a post for posts’ sake.

And the marquee in my mind scrolls over and over and over,

“Where fears are stilled, where strivings cease…”

And those little two words there on the end have become my only prayer. I want to be where strivings cease. And the last year has been striving — a whole lot of striving.

I’m so tired from all the striving.

This writing-platform-building-book thing…it’s a lot of work. And I want to work hard, I’m not afraid of working hard and I know it’s necessary. But the fine balance between hard work and striving is really blurry, and tipping into the flesh side of striving is so. very. easy.

And I’ve fallen into that side a lot. Too much, in fact.

Lately I’ve found I haven’t been as interested in what’s on Facebook, or lining up tweets in Hootsuite, or planning my posts ahead of time. I haven’t been pouring over others’ blogs or checking up on what’s the latest tweeted article. I’m not coveting every spare moment to pour into what’s good for the brand.

That’s weird for me — I have to be honest. And my flesh rises up and tries to convince me this is a detrimental, irreversible mistake.

But in the process, I’ve enjoyed my moments. I’ve run with the sun on my face and stopped to feel the fresh breeze and notice…really notice…how electrifyingly blue the sky is. I’ve snuggled with my kids on the couch and inhaled day-after-shampoo’d hair. I’ve read books on the back porch by the fire, and gone to the grocery store every single day because I’m still not good at meal planning. I’ve drank coffee later than 3 pm just because I’ve wanted to.

And all of these moments have been wonderful and unhurried and full of supernatural peace, and I’ve loved them.

I guess I’ve been in the quiet, and I love it here…a place where strivings have ceased, at least for the time being.

I don’t know what’s next — I have a list a mile long of things I think I should be doing, a list of things I want to do, and a list of things I’d like to not do. But right now, it all feels too murky and too heavy and too much.

So I think I’m supposed to sit in the quiet for awhile longer and just be.

I don’t know the last time I’ve had a season of be.

In a walk where be still and know is the crux and paradox of what we believe, I can’t remember the last time I actually embraced it. Or rather, I don’t remember the last time I’ve given myself permission to embrace it.

So here I am, embracing be, and enjoying my moments. And I have no idea what this means. I don’t know if this means I’m taking a break from blogging and writing, or if I’m just in an overly-contemplative mood right now. I don’t know if it means God has another path He wants to place me on, or if I just need a breather from all of the doing.

All I know is this: I love this season of be, and be-ing in the quiet. I love coming back here — to the means and not the end — and embracing this process.

So here I’ll stay — cocooned in the center of the Father’s hand — until He pours me out as an offering and with an anointing, and tells me that once again I am free to fly.

Until then, my friends…here’s to being.

MDS-SIG-01

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8 thoughts on “In the Quiet

  1. Pingback: on coming out of hiding | elevate ideas.
  2. Pingback: Marriage Podcast | elevate ideas.
  3. Embrace the process, sweet friend. And as you sit quietly and just be, whatever comes to you, will you write it down? Please? You don’t even have to share it. Just get it on paper or computer or whatever. Because, after reading the simple beauty of this place you are in, and what God already has laid upon your heart right here and right now? I’m feel very certain that whatever is brought to you in this time of being, will be encouragement to us Internets who love you so. Even if you don’t share it with us until a time much later on down the road. Your writing touches hearts. It affects my thinking and always, always circles me back to the God who gives and loves. I pray that He just wraps you up and cocoons you in such warmth and comfort and healing and transformation that you emerge with even more brilliant colors than you already have!!!

  4. Monica,

    I’m reading this post at 3:15 am. It has brought my heart such peace!

    I’ve been processing on success, on blogging, on the “what ifs”. It seems as if all the writers I know are making book deals and getting more followers. Honestly, I don’t want to talk to them. I want to talk to you. You’ve experienced something that causes you to be more vulnerable. Your post tonight struck my heart strings and I appreciate you. Sometimes, He asks us to wait or “to be” it’s those times that I think we are being prepared for something greater. I think your post tonight made me think about why I do this writing thing. I want to glorify the Lord and encourage others. That is what you do, Monica. You encourage while sharing His love. Timing is everything my friend, and you touch so many with this space of yours. While you wait…please keep going. Your words are beautiful and your writing is a gift!

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