Week 4: S:e:x (Maintain Your High Maintenance Marriage)


I am so impressed with everyone’s responses to this topic in last week’s giveaway about rhymes-with-tex. To enter the contest, I asked everyone to leave a comment listing on a scale of 1-10 how embarrassed they were to leave a comment on a post about sex. And I was seriously blown away by the number of women who were not embarrassed at all.

Not only that, when I posted the giveaway on Facebook, I included a comment about how God wants us wives to embrace the fullness of who He created us to be, and that includes the sensuous side. And I actually had a couple husbands comment and say “amen” and “this is so important!”

Ladies, when men are commenting on Facebook about wives embracing sexuality for the sake of intimacy in marriage, you know it’s a big deal. (tweet)

Because here’s the thing — we absolutely cannot undermine the importance of our sexual relationship with our spouse. We miss out on the fullness of blessing in marriage when we leave one aspect of the relationship out. 

So I’m doing something a little different this week and asked a couple people to help contribute on this incredibly important yet never discussed topic.

The first is my awesome friend Sara. She is currently co-leading a small group that is studying the book Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex. Sara’s passion is to help women embrace the fullness of Christ in their marriages and selves.

The second is my incredible husband Greg, who is an Assistant Pastor and has spent tons of time teaching on marriage as well as counseling couples, and honestly, having a man’s perspective (that’s not our own husband’s) always brings a viewpoint we otherwise would have missed.

I think both of them have invaluable insight that will be such a blessing to you.

So without further ado, here’s what Sara had to share based on her experience leading the Intimate Issues small group:

So, this week my wonderful friend Monica asked if I would write something for a series she is working on for her blog…the topic, SEX!!  Some of you might be asking yourselves “who in the world would want to write a little blurb about sex?” Well, I would have to tell you that I am standing on the mountain top screaming “I DO!!”   

By no means am I an expert on this topic. However, I am passionate about the success and happiness of marriage and am burdened by the number of failing marriages both in and out of the church. If we step back and assess the situation, we can see the truth of God’s purpose in marriage.

There are several purposes of marriage but one of them and I believe the most critical, is that the marriage union is the example that Christ gives of His relationship with the church (Ephesians 5:31-31). How then, can we reach the world for Christ when the very institution that is supposed to display the example of His love to those who don’t know Him is falling apart? 

So, what does that have to do with sex? Well, most of the marriages that are ending are doing so because of infidelity. How and why is this happening?  Though we do not have the power to control our husbands or determine their course, I would propose that women have a lot more influence than they might think or want to admit knowing.   

We all have a story. Some of us were virgins when we got married, others of us not. Some of us have a great sex life, and others of us would rather have nothing to do with it. Some of us unfortunately have suffered at the hands of abuse while others of us were trained to believe everything to do with sex is bad. Whatever our story, whatever the journey that has led us to this point in time, we need to be set free of those burdens or humble our egos as we realize that we are all sisters in Christ with a common goal: having a happy and successful marriage. 

In a Bible study that I lead with some amazing women in my life, we are studying a book that Monica referred to a recent blog: Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus. We decided that we wanted to hear what the Lord has to say on the issue of intimacy. We participate in all kinds of studies as women, why not one that is very applicable to such a time as this? If you are looking for a book packed with scripture opening your eyes and hearts to the God’s view on the marriage bed, then I would urge you to purchase this book and get started.  

But ladies, the idea here is not to become an expert biblically on the issue of intimacy in order to gain more control over our husbands. It is so that we can meet him in the middle with sound advice from scripture on how to nurture our marriages. I think if most of us were honest, we would admit that we spend more time nurturing our ministries, children, careers and friendships more than we nurture our marriages. And we wonder why marriages are failing? Satan has us right where he wants us…malnourishing our marriages. 

Again, if were all honest, we would admit that the end of the day we are exhausted and have nothing left to give anyone especially our husbands. And they should understand right? The problem comes when that exhaustion has carried over day after day into weeks and months and the marriage continues to go malnourished. The idea here is not to be sex-crazed women — it is to be wise, redirected women. (tweet) Quality and quantity are never the same thing.  

I am not suggesting that if we rekindle the passion in our marriage that all failing marriages will succeed. However, I am suggesting that it will aid in the healing of many hurting marriages, make successful marriages even stronger, and perhaps redirect some of the ones that are going down a sorrowful path. We need to reclaim our marriages from Satan. We need to be willing to humble ourselves to our husbands and serve them. We need to fill our minds and heart with truth especially since the world around us is filling it with lies. We need to remember that our lives are for God and that in serving our marriages we are glorifying Him…after all, isn’t that what it is all about?   

I will leave you with this from Intimate Issues: “God does not expect us to become sensuous saints overnight. He asks instead that we go forward in becoming the lovers He created us to be. Christian women should be the greatest lovers on earth because, as believers, we not only possess physical passion, we have the ability to infuse holiness into our sensuousness.

I know — so incredibly powerful, right?? I love the concept that we have the ability to infuse holiness into our sensuousness! Somehow it’s been so easy to separate the two concepts — but to fuse them together brings about a whole new perspective into what intimacy with my husband should be about.

Can you imagine walking into the bedroom one night to seduce your husband with an infusion of holiness and sensuousness? Ba-bam.

Okay, here’s what my awesome man had to share:

When I think of what sex means in a marriage, I think of the power it has. Sex is not just a casual thing in a marriage. I know most men would agree with this, but maybe I can add a little different perspective than most men have thought of. I would be lying if I said I didn’t approach sex from a physical perspective. I believe all people approach it this way and that’s what makes it so good for us. But since I have been married to Monica, I have attempted to approach sex from a spiritual and emotional perspective as well. 

Monica’s love language is quality time and I have made every effort over the last ten years to become very good at quality time with her. I think our physical relationship plays into this. I know that this dedicated time with her helps to fulfill her need to spend quality and intimate time with me. This causes me to really think about my approach. My approach must be less about my fulfillment and more about hers. I believe this leads to an emotional connection. 

Spiritually, I know that God brought us together and part of this togetherness is our physical relationship. I abstained from any physical relationship for a while before Monica and I met, and then during the year before we were married we made a commitment to honor what we felt like God wanted us to abstain from physically. I think this drew us closer to God and especially made me grow closer to God’s desire for what the physical part of our relationship should be about. 

I feel my role in our sexual relationship is to honor God by honoring the needs of my wife. I love her and I am forever attracted to her for who she is!!

When we take care to make sure the emotional and spiritual needs of our spouse are met, the physical satisfaction just solidifies the bond and brings a blessing I think God is excited to give to us. He’s all about oneness — oneness in Christ and oneness in marriage.

Is this easy to do? NO. Of course not. Because we have an enemy whose sole desire is to divide and conquer any way he can. I can have all the best intentions in the world to sensuously fuse holiness into our marriage bed but then kids and jobs and deadlines get the best of me and there seems to be nothing left to give. And those are the times I have to choose to focus on my husbands fulfillment.

Because it’s not really just about his physical fulfillment — it’s about mine, too. Whether I think I can do without it or not, I really do need it. It’s one of the ways God creates closeness, oneness and intimacy. All the communicating and serving and laughing in the world will not take the place of physical intimacy in a marriage. It just won’t. (tweet)

Challenge: Pick one night this week where you determine you are going to fuse holiness and sensuousness together. Forget about the dishes and the kids and what time the alarm clock will go off in the morning — just focus on the blessing it will be to be one with your husband in a way that cannot be duplicated.

I hope you’ll check out these additional resources:

I want to give a special THANK YOU to Kayse for being the brainchild behind this series! It’s been an awesome series to write, and I have loved collaborating with these other amazing women:

Be blessed this week.



3 thoughts on “Week 4: S:e:x (Maintain Your High Maintenance Marriage)

  1. These perspectives were awesome! And for those of us that are familiar with the Love Language philosophy – it has truly been a marriage strengthener in my own relationship with my husband from the moment we began enacting it. Sensuality has great ripple effects in our day to day interactions. The flirting, the talking with your eyes, the reassuring hand on the small of your back – they all come about when we realize the importance and the power our sensuality can have to strengthen our bonds with our man. Guess I’m on the mountaintop shouting with Sara, huh? ;)

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